I came here to write a blog about being in quarantine, and I found this that I had written last summer. Why I had never published it I do not know. I am sure that it was therapeutic at the time.
To have loved and to have lost........ I thought when I lost my mom that I would not have to endure that kind of pain for a very long time. It about destroyed me. I stayed strong because I too was a mom. My mom left me 10 years ago. Although there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her, all the old feelings of loss reared its ugly head this week.
When the police showed up to my house last Sunday morning, the first thing that I did was to check the bedroom of my teenage daughter to make sure that she and her friends had not snuck out and gotten into trouble. What happened next was something out of a movie. My baby brother had lost his life in a motorcycle accident. It then became my job to alert the rest of the family. In a complete fog, I called my sister first. I could not bring myself to call my dad who had lost so much already. I am beyond blessed to be supported by an amazing husband who stepped up when I needed him most.
I spent the next week figuring out how to say bye....... I am not sure I have figured it out yet. I tried to make sense of it, explain it to my kids, or help make decisions. I was no help to my sister and my dad. I helped the only way I could...... I put the pictures together for the memorial service.
Those pictures brought a flood of memories. All the times Chad tortured me. How he would argue with me or hit me or just pester me. Or jump out of the bathroom cabinets while I was using the bathroom. Or how he would remind me who won the horse race. How he thought the University of Michigan was the best University ever... knowing full well that both his sisters went to the rival University of Illinois. Outwardly, my brother was an asshole. But he was a caring asshole. There were good memories too.....memories of the amazing neighborhood I grew up in. The fun times and laughs we had.
We most certainly did not always see eye to eye. But recently we had found common ground and spent time doing what we loved best.... harassing other people. Actually... it was the three of us.... my brother, my sister and I who were brought together by a common thread. We proceeded the way we were taught best ..... with a great deal of humor and a lot of inappropriate memes. While Chad did not choose a life past remotely similar to his sisters, he got us and he balanced us out. The last time I saw him, he seemed genuinely happy and we laughed and joked.
I am not a crier by nature, but there are moments of quiet when I cannot help myself. My eyes won't stop leaking. My grief is compounded by missing my mom. This would have absolutely killed her. But I am selfish enough to admit that I really need her right now. Although I have the most amazing group of friends, holidays are all of a sudden a little bleaker. My family is small and is dwindling.
Everyone has been so generous..... How can they help? What do I need?
I need time.
I need a distraction
I need to be connected with those he loved
I need a drink
I need one last conversation and one last joke
I need to learn to say goodbye
